Why weight?

Why am I so focused on the weight? And why am I bringing it up again now?

It has nothing to do with vanity, and everything to do with my health.

My sleep apnea is out of control. My CPAP (technically it’s a BiPAP) is not enough, even though I’m at maximum pressure. I can’t stay awake long enough to do much work; when I don’t work, I don’t get paid. I’ve probably lost about $7,000 since November because I’ve missed work. I’ve already missed three days this week. (For the record: my boss knows what’s up. He’s been completely supportive, but acknowledges my performance at work has suffered greatly.)

I’m drained. I’m not motivated. I’m sleepy. My head is fuzzy. I’m moody. I can’t get anything done.

I’ve managed to keep it somewhat hidden from the view of my friends… usually I accomplish this by staying in my cave when it’s really bad. And I’m usually pretty good at putting-on the brave face.

I’ve also been using prescription medications to help, notably Provigil, a stimulant that is also used by narcoleptics to keep from falling asleep. It’s been helpful, and keeps me alert in certain situations. But I know it’s a crutch, and it can never replace the lost sleep, the lost oxygen, the lost productivity.

The only person who has seen the whole, unfettered drama is Matt. He’s been wonderful and supportive and understanding. But still, my health has put a heavy strain on our relationship and our friendship.

Why is weight so important with apnea? It has very little to do with the beer belly. Instead, my airway is constricted by layers of fat (in my throat, near my soft palate, etc.)

After a myriad of treatments, surgeries, prescriptions, devices and therapies, my doctors have left me with some options:

• Get a jaw restructuring surgery. They break the jaw and reposition it forward, then re-fuse it. 15 weeks recovery time, during which my jaw would be wired-shut. The most common side-effect afterwards, is feeling numbness on the face.
• Get a tracheotomy. (I’m not kidding.)
• Have weight loss surgery (gastric bypass or Lap Band.)
• Continue fumbling, as I have been for the last few years, with other treatments, try different CPAP masks, and try to lose weight myself. (The charts say I’m 176 pounds overweight, but my doctor thinks it’s more like 100 pounds.)

These options are not new. I’ve known about most of them for several years.

The weight loss surgery, in particular, I’ve been considering for a long time; I first began researching it in 2005.

I’ve decided to do it.

I’ll be posting a lot more on the topic very soon.